Ya know, Easter Stuff

So this week was a really awesome week. I had my last performance with one of my music improv teams (at least last performance at MINt) and I had a production meeting for a new musical I'm writing with friends. For Lent I upped my contemplation game and was working thru a course on Buddhism as well as a Jesuit lent reading book. (Because that's my UU way of doing these things). I feel like a lot of stuff clicked for me on Friday and I'm just feeling a lot more confident and relaxed as I work thru stuff. I don't feel as rushed as I have been the past few months. It's just this really awesome lightness and I love that it hit this past week. I know that things are still messy and crazy but I'm feeling really grounded- at least this week and it's Easter so I'm loving the timing.

So here's a poem.

Ya know, Easter stuff

New day new chapter

It’s the time to rise again

Like New Years 2.0

Spring comes and the energy shifts

new beginnings

The stone is lifting

And i see the world of endless possibilities

I’m comfortable in the discomfort

Confident in my ability to work thru problems

With patience and compassion

To take a breath and act rationally

To recognize and rise above the negative thoughts

To operate from a place of love

I sit calmly in the not knowing

In touch with my inner wisdom

Riding each breath

Each moment

Enjoying what I can

I know that more challenges will come

There may be darkness

Nonsense

Untold stress that makes no sense

But I don't want to get trapped in worry

Or hurry toward the future

I’ve got this

Energized. Ready. Re-charged. Rejuvenated

Ya know, Easter stuff

PS: NEW JOURNAL!

Trusting the silence

This week I've been focusing on working more meditation into my daily rituals. I've been working in a 10 minute meditation in the morning and the evening. This has been especially helpful as this week I was juggling work, performances in both my after school drama classes, and tech for a show I'm sound designing. It was stressful but I got thru it by just throwing myself into what needed to get done and focusing on my breath.

I did have a bit of a meltdown on Thursday night. We had just finished the last dress rehearsal of the show. I went to check my phone on the break and I saw the news about the missiles launched at Syria. I was hit by a wave of feelings and I put the phone down and let myself get thru the rest of the rehearsal. Then on the bus ride home I was mindlessly scrolling thru Facebook. I'd check it, put the phone down and then pick it back up again and check it some more. It felt like I was trying to drown out a big feeling that I needed to process so I put the phone down and just sort of went silent for a bit while my friends talked on the train ride home. Then I hit the pressure point- over and over again I realize that my grief about the world and my grief about my mom are one big grief monster.  Once again I am overwhelmed by the reality of the world and the reality of not having mom around to vent to about the reality of the world. So when news hits me in just the right place, it triggers a good cry. So I ended up crying on the Red Line and my friends from the show were there to talk me thru it and then I went home and felt pretty good. Just needed to release that.

The thing is if I hadn't put my phone down to really listen deeply to myself I probably would have continued going about my evening feeling "some type of way" and not being able to place what that funk was. This led me to think about treating inner dialogue like you would treat conversation with a friend. I often find myself hitting something upsetting and then trying to ignore that feeling with a compulsive facebook check or other distraction. When I allow myself to have the feeling and ask myself what it's about. I find that space inside for it and it becomes less of a big thing. It's basically inviting your monsters to tea (paraphrasing another great Tara Brach lecture).

This week in the Daily OM course I've been taking (Communicating Like A Buddhist) the focus is on observing how you use silence. The idea of the exercise is to observe how you use silence in conversations. I spent a lot of time alone either on transit or in the office this week. So I've been observing how I use the silence in conversations with myself. So I'm learning to be more comfortable with my thoughts, especially the grumpy anxious ones, and not interrupt these internal conversations with too many distractions. I'm hoping viewing internal dialogue as a relaxed conversation will help me be more mindful of when I'm a going toward a distraction and I can use my time more wisely and all that good stuff.

Why "Buddhist fart story" is in my google search history...

So it's been another busy week of work and projects and settling into the new place. I've been reading and listening to my usual amount of multi-flavored spiritual self help things. My favorite thing I’ve heard all week is the following story. I originally heard it from Tara Brach’s lecture entitled "Taking the Exquisite Risk.” I wanted to quote it so badly that I just googled “buddhist fart story” in order to get the full transcript.

Su Shi (1036-1101), also known as Su Dongpo was an avid student of Buddhist teachings. He was quick-witted and humorous; as a Zen Buddhism follower he was very serious and self-disciplined. He often discussed buddhism with his good friend, Zen Master Foyin. The two lived across the river from one another.
Following is an interesting and famous story about him and Zen Master Foyin.
One day, Su Dongpo felt inspired and wrote the following poem:
I bow my head to the heaven within heaven

Hairline rays illuminating the universe

The eight winds cannot move me

Sitting still upon the purple golden lotus

The “eight winds” in the poem referred to praise, ridicule, honor, disgrace, gain, loss, pleasure and misery – interpersonal forces of the material world that drive and influence the hearts of men. Su Dongpo was saying that he has attained a higher level of spirituality, where these forces no longer affect him.
Impressed by himself, Su Dongpo sent a servant to hand-carry this poem to Foyin. He was sure that his friend would be equally impressed. When Foyin read the poem, he immediately saw that it was both a tribute to the Buddha and a declaration of spiritual refinement. Smiling, the Zen Master wrote “fart” on the manuscript and had it returned to Su Dongpo.
Su Dongpo was expecting compliments and a seal of approval. When he saw “fart” written on the manuscript, he was shocked . He burst into anger: “How dare he insult me like this? Why that lousy old monk! He’s got a lot of explaining to do!”Full of indignation, he rushed out of his house and ordered a boat to ferry him to the other shore as quickly as possible. He wanted to find Foyin and demand an apology. However, Foyin’s door closed. On the door was a piece of paper, for Su Dongpo. The paper had following two lines:
The eight winds cannot move me

One fart blows me across the river

This stopped Su Dongpo cold. Foyin had anticipated this hot-headed visit. Su Dongpo’s anger suddenly drained away as he understood his friend’s meaning. If he really was a man of spiritual refinement,
completely unaffected by the eight winds, then how could he be so easily provoked?
With a few strokes of the pen and minimal effort, Foyin showed that Su Dongpo was in fact not as spiritually advanced as he claimed to be. Ashamed but wiser, Su Dongpo departed quietly.
This event proved to be a turning point in Su Dongpo’s spiritual development. From that point on, he became a man of humility, and not merely someone who boasted of possessing the virtue.
http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/08/08/how-fart-can-make-you-grow-spiritually-su-dongpos-story/

Ever since I heard this story, I've been silently giggling to myself as I observe these "spiritual farts" in life. There’s a whole lot of farts to get caught up in what with work and settling into a new apartment, projects, friends, all the things. The thing I’m realizing too is just like in the story. It’s super easy to go from a place of somewhat righteously having your shit together and feeling like you’re on top and then something can set you off into some weird negativity spiral. A spiritual practice is a practice and I’m a perfectionist and so I pile on the guilt when I’m not being perfect. It’s a lot to unpack. A mantra of “it’s just a fart” helps me get back to myself. Frankly I looove calling these moments farts. I love it so much. Because really the key to learning to work thru mistakes is to laugh it off and figure out what you can do in the future. It’s just reactivity. A natural human reaction. It’s a fart.

I wake up each day with the intention to do all the awesome things and stay present and in the moment. It’s not easy and something will trigger me to my angry grumpy mode undoubtedly. Especially if I’m hungry. But more and more I’m training myself to observe these moments, kindly pause and bring myself to focus, and laugh….because i just farted.

As we sit in a pile of boxes

This last week I've been moving into a new place with the boyfriend. Posting today rather than my usual Sunday post due to lack of internet at the new place. Anyway, here it goes:

As we sit in a pile of boxes

Take all the pieces and put them back together

Reforming into new shapes and circumstances

New challenges rearranging

Tetris of life

Transforming and forming new configurations

Moving forward

The sensation of starting anew

We trudge thru

Settling into this new world

Tranquil

Foreign but home

It is said that the only thing constant is change

Yes we are constantly changing but there is a certain stillness

A Tranquility that is ever peaceful

As the world changes around me

I come back to the comfort of silence

The certainty of the heart

Breath in

Breath out

All that is is the moment

As the world shifts ever on

Seeds of Joy

I wrote a quick poem for the week. This is a combination of various ponderings of the week and then the sermon at church today was about spring. So here's what came out of that.

Seeds of Joy

It is my mission to plant seeds of joy

To nurture these seeds inside my heart

To help others find that seed inside themselves

To nurture the growth along the way

I look at life as an opportunity for growth

I look back at the more tumultuous moments and track

The steps along the way

The leaves that grew during that time

The flowers that bloom in the adverse weather

I feel the potential energy

As I grow new roots

That spread out and find new places to cling

I feel the potential change

The time to sprout

New buds are coming soon

Now is the time to feel the rain

To bask in the sunlight

As the seasons change

It’s the time

To begin again

Finding the seed of joy

Watering it

Feeling it take root

And start to sprout

Into the vibrant flower

It was always meant to be

In the garden of humanity

We can all plant seeds by watering our own

And nurturing the seeds in others

By sharing the stories we learn as we grow

As the sun shines our roots grow deeper

Connected in community

Bending in the wind together

Are you sure I can't sprint?

There's that classic quote from Lao Tzu "The Journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step."  I'm at a point where I want to up the pace and maybe try to go at this journey at more of a sprint.  For the most part I tend to keep things at a reasonable pace but when I have a lot of things on my plate, I find myself overwhelmed by it all. I find a way to break things down into small steps, line up the to-do list, the "mental queue" that hangs over my head like I'm a Sim. I can bring order to the chaos but sometimes the chaos can get draining.

The root of my frustration is that frankly I feel like I'm still in my "pre-30-saturn-return-mental-board-meeting-of-the-soul(grief edition)" and that's been off and on for several months. I have a solid direction, new habits and goals lined up. I have awesome projects on the horizon. All that good stuff, but it's still a lot of change.

Meanwhile being a UU who practices Lent, as part of Lent I started taking a course on dailyom.com entitled "How to Communicate like a Buddhist."  The first week of the course focuses on being honest with oneself, acknowledging when we exaggerate or gossip, monitoring our negativity, all that good stuff. The course consists of a weekly audio lecture and then worksheets for everyday with morning meditations and stuff to look out for.

So the good news is, I am simultaneously finding all these patches of stress and anxiety in myself but also finding ways to sooth that out.

There was a quote that floated in my facebook feed the other day that said "anxiety is when you try to solve all the problems at once." That super resonated with me because that was my week. The moments when I panic the most are when I try to process my entire list of things before I've ben made my coffee. Really, I should know by now to not try to think to hard before coffee. =)

So I guess the lesson for myself this week is that yes the journey is composed of the small steps. It's about taking things a step at a time and focusing on the present moment. If you try to run too fast toward what you think is down the path, you'll soon have to stop and catch your breath anyway so it's better to keep at a steady pace. (Especially if the metaphorical runner is me. I don't run much).

Ash Wednesday and the Phoenix

In the spirit of Lent, I’ve been contemplating a mixture of Ash Wednesday language with the imagery of the phoenix. Last week when I was in Iowa, I went to the Ash Wednesday service with my dad. It was my first time at an Ash Wednesday mass since I was in high school. So it was my first time being mature enough to understand the meaning of all the language of mortality and pretty songs about rising from the ashes. Specifically, Ash Wednesday is a little heavy when your mother’s ashes are sitting on your mantel.  Just saying.

I’ve always been a fan of phoenix metaphors. In fact, for many years I’ve been in love with the image of a phoenix rising out of music notes-specifically the notes of the first song I wrote. If/ when I get a tattoo that’s what I would want.

I’ve always loved this image because I feel like I’ve been constantly “taking flight” then going back to the “ashes” of some crisis, reforming myself and coming out again. A lot of times music is the thing that helps call me back.  That’s another topic  altogether.

So I guess the comforting thing as I work thru my “pre-30-saturn-return-internal-board-meeting-of-the-soul” that has been this past year, I find comfort in reminding myself that this is not the first transitional period I’ve gone thru and it won’t be the last. There are many times in life to examine ourselves, fall to pieces a little bit, and then come back wiser and with a new pair of wings.  I’m just learning to fly and trust the wind.

Once again the bird

Born of the fire

soars again

New wings have formed

She learns how to use them

Taking flight

Trusting the wind

This is not the first time

She’s been transformed

It won’t be the last

But for now it’s time

To fly

Follow the current

See the beauty

Rise above

And love the world

As she sees it with new eyes

Once more