So starting today March 4th 2019 I am taking a social media detox. I've been exploring my addiction to social media a lot especially over the past few years. I recognize that it can be a compulsive habit and it has changed how I communicate and reach out to people. I also recognize that social media is a useful tool that I will need to use in my career especially as I try to grow as an independent artist. So I have decided that I want to use Lent as an opportunity to build positive habits and explore the complexities of my personal psychology and social media and take the time to examine and reflect.
I ended up starting this challenge a few days early. I had made a profile picture with a little note saying "hey I'm taking a social media fast until April 21st" and I was going to post it on my instagram first and then it uploaded to facebook as well before I could stop it and I was like "fuckit it's go time." Frankly ever since I decided on Sunday that I was going to take a detox, I've been more compulsive with my facebooking than I had been in weeks. It was almost as if my addiction knew that shit was going down and it wanted to hang on. I could see that reactiveness in myself and I decided to pull the plug earlier than anticipated. Also I'm UU and an independent adult and I want to start my Lenten journey early I'm gonna do it because this habit needs to go be in the desert.
I plan on writing and reflecting on this experience in a blog. I was originally going to do a google drive doc and then summarize my thoughts in one blog later but there is something nice about being able to do a day to day entry and save it. There is a finality and a ritual to writing a blog that you don't find from a google drive dump doc.
So while watching Brooklyn 99 and drinking beer tonight I changed the passwords to my insta, twitter, and Facebook to something random I wrote on a post it note to not touch till easter and I logged out.
In the initial cutting of the cord there were all these thoughts of "I didn't do this properly" and "oh know how will people contact me" and "I am letting people down." But also there is a deep regret and sadness because I know that the way I've been socializing on facebook seems very broad and surface.
I have been very liberal with who I have added on Facebook. In college I would add people immediately after I got home from parties (because this was before smart phones and you had to keep the name in your head and add them at home rather than doing the deed there). I would add lab partners, friend of friends, mutual friends of people I know from the theatre scene who might be messaging me for a job. I have gotten so many gigs with facebook connections and I value that tremendously. This reality also means I shame myself when I try to unplug out of fear that no one will be able to find me for work despite the fact that I have an email, my DM's are active, I have a website. It'll be fine.
I am so grateful for my network and I also tend to use it as a crutch. I want to scroll and see what everyone is doing and feel this urge to be social that is only met vague stimulation and memes. There are so many people I want to follow up with and don't and people I've kept in my feed who I have lost touch with in real life and I value that I can keep them posted on things but sometimes it feels like I have a vast audience and not individual friendships.
One advantage of the Myspace days (back in my day, hrumph) is that we had a blog built into our page and friends could check in on each other by reading a blog. I think it was easier to process then because 1. you had to go to the individual page to see that persons thoughts and 2. it encouraged us to process our thoughts beyond little bits and jokes and brief sentences of yelling. There was more compartmentalization and choice to whose thoughts you take in. There was cultivated expression which is necessary in a medium of words.
I find the Facebook feed overwhelming. There are so many individual thoughts and stories and things to process and one thing could set me off emotionally but I would ignore it because there are more things. I also know that I have used the feed to purposefully numb emotions. I would interrupt conversations with myself by taking in everyones stuff and scrolling myself into a brain fog. I've been observing this more and more in myself the past few years and although I have made steps to put limits on it, I think going cold turkey for a month and a half will help. I also think that having a record of that journey is important and will help me as I go thru each day.
So if you are reading this, welcome. It's gonna be a journey. I am excited to see where things go and see what I learn.
No comments:
Post a Comment