SMD:Days 4 & 5

A thought occurred to me the other night- this Facebook detox is the longest I've gone without Facebook since before I had a facebook. I suppose it's about the same stats as when I had a Myspace but I don't remember being that obsessed with myspace, probably because back when there was myspace most of the people I followed were people I was hanging out with already. Anyway, I find this whole process liberating and also deeply surreal and a bit sad. 

I remember the first pangs of the waiting that the internet brought the waiting for a response- it was high school and I would chat with my boyfriends over AIM (RIP AOL Instant messenger) and I'd spend time sending out a message and waiting for a response. I remember I used to read books obsessively dive in and get lost in them, I didn't do that so much anymore instead I would spend my time online juggling chats sitting in bed on my laptop. I was able to connect with friends but friends became my hobby. To be fair, I was also 15 so it was about that time but that state of being has been with me off and on for awhile. 

This detox is a culmination of reading a lot of different articles and books about how technology reprograms the brain- my favorite of which being The Shallows by Nicolas Carr. I find this facinating because I have felt how technology has reprogrammed my brain. 

Frankly it makes me angry. It makes me angry that I have let myself fall into patterns and loops over the years as I have scrolled and absorbed all of the thoughts and ideas faster than I could process them. That my empathetic nature causes me to try to take on all the worlds problems and sit in the weight of it. This habit was not entirely social media's fault. By nature I want to help people and that leads to doing more emotional labor than I was comfortable handling because I didn't have a concept of what that all meant at the time. 

I am angry at distraction

I am angry at the fear I absorbed

I am angry at times I was angry

I am angry at the idea that I could program myself to turn to a place where there can be so much anxiety as a way to curb my own anxiety when really it's better to just do the dishes or play a dumb video game. 

I am happy that I am making these discoveries. I am afraid I am missing out. I also would be totally fine with just not doing social media anymore or greatly curbing the amount of people I follow.

I also feel so happy without social media. It feels like a spiritual vacation and makes me wonder how much social media I truly need. I'm still getting my news. I prefer audio sources to articles. When I listen to the news, especially politics, it feels like getting coffee with a friend who is going thru a tough time. I'll listen and give the news it's place and then I need to put it away and go about my day. It's good to have that designated time with it to keep posted but it's also good to remember that things are going well on my end. It's complex. It's life. 

Anyway so that's today's stream of consciousness rant. It's only been 5 days, who knows what else will come up.