Had a nice, chill Saturday today. I spent the morning/ early afternoon catching up on some music work. I spent a little time cleaning up my office space. I finished up a crocheting project for friends and I had time to chill and read and play dumb iPad games.
The iPad games are becoming the replacement compulsive activity but I think they are active enough and have enough of a process to them that it's easier to stop than the bottomless scrolling of social media. I am a bit frustrated by how fast that became a replacement habit and I want to keep an eye on such things.
A memory keeps coming back to me from time to time but especially today. I remember when I was probably 8 or 10 my go to thing to do was to curl up in the space underneath the desk in my bedroom and read like it was my fort. I would sit in my curled up position with my headphones blasting whatever musical I was obsessed with at the time reading my book and drowning out the world. I don't remember what I was drowning out exactly but I remember that being my sanctuary.
I remember when I first recognized the "book high", that moment you have when you've been reading for a half hour or more and you put the book down and feel a residual feeling of being in that zone. I loved the feeling of being in that zone. I still do and I want to bring opportunities for the zone back into my life.
I think that the work I've been doing has its own version of "the book high". Creating and performing have their own zone and there is a zone specific to making new work and zone specific to revisiting familiar work and going down all the familiar pathways, lines, scenes, and songs. Perhaps my fondness for that initial feeling of being in "the book zone" stems from knowing that those were the first inklings of being in flow and that was such an important thing or my little perfectionistic self. I wanted that escape.
Perhaps what I've experienced with social media is that I looked to it to solve my impulse for that feeling of escape but instead it just made me feel overwhelmed and now I am taking the time to revisit what gives me that sense of grounding and connection.
So it's day 6. I'm doing alright. I am a little anxious about not being on social media. Part of me wants to stop this fast and also I know I want to see it thru. It's already taught me so much.
Saturday, March 9, 2019
Friday, March 8, 2019
SMD:Days 4 & 5
A thought occurred to me the other night- this Facebook detox is the longest I've gone without Facebook since before I had a facebook. I suppose it's about the same stats as when I had a Myspace but I don't remember being that obsessed with myspace, probably because back when there was myspace most of the people I followed were people I was hanging out with already. Anyway, I find this whole process liberating and also deeply surreal and a bit sad.
I remember the first pangs of the waiting that the internet brought the waiting for a response- it was high school and I would chat with my boyfriends over AIM (RIP AOL Instant messenger) and I'd spend time sending out a message and waiting for a response. I remember I used to read books obsessively dive in and get lost in them, I didn't do that so much anymore instead I would spend my time online juggling chats sitting in bed on my laptop. I was able to connect with friends but friends became my hobby. To be fair, I was also 15 so it was about that time but that state of being has been with me off and on for awhile.
This detox is a culmination of reading a lot of different articles and books about how technology reprograms the brain- my favorite of which being The Shallows by Nicolas Carr. I find this facinating because I have felt how technology has reprogrammed my brain.
Frankly it makes me angry. It makes me angry that I have let myself fall into patterns and loops over the years as I have scrolled and absorbed all of the thoughts and ideas faster than I could process them. That my empathetic nature causes me to try to take on all the worlds problems and sit in the weight of it. This habit was not entirely social media's fault. By nature I want to help people and that leads to doing more emotional labor than I was comfortable handling because I didn't have a concept of what that all meant at the time.
I am angry at distraction
I am angry at the fear I absorbed
I am angry at times I was angry
I am angry at the idea that I could program myself to turn to a place where there can be so much anxiety as a way to curb my own anxiety when really it's better to just do the dishes or play a dumb video game.
I am happy that I am making these discoveries. I am afraid I am missing out. I also would be totally fine with just not doing social media anymore or greatly curbing the amount of people I follow.
I also feel so happy without social media. It feels like a spiritual vacation and makes me wonder how much social media I truly need. I'm still getting my news. I prefer audio sources to articles. When I listen to the news, especially politics, it feels like getting coffee with a friend who is going thru a tough time. I'll listen and give the news it's place and then I need to put it away and go about my day. It's good to have that designated time with it to keep posted but it's also good to remember that things are going well on my end. It's complex. It's life.
Anyway so that's today's stream of consciousness rant. It's only been 5 days, who knows what else will come up.
Wednesday, March 6, 2019
SMFD3: story telling
This morning I went to get my blood drawn for a standard blood test I do with my annual physical every 3 years. No big deal but it meant fasting until I got it done, which seemed weirdly appropriate for Ash Wednesday.
The first impulse to post happened as I was waiting for the bus and I saw one of the the people doing the "ashes on the go" in full priest robes walk over to the Jewel with his plate of ashes in one hand and his travel mug in the other. I wanted to post about it so badly, instead I made a note in my phone and here it is in this blog. But anyway that was the first of many impulses of the day.
I rode the bus out to my appointment and listened to a podcast while people watching, I checked into my appointment. I could feel the nerves rising. In the blood draw room they had all these inspiration quotes on the walls for places to look while getting blood drawn. I told the nurse that was a great move as you can pick a quote and just stare at it really hard while the needle goes in. She said that a lot of people like the quotes and take pictures of them.
This struck something interesting in me as she was saying this when I was actively trying not to take pictures of things and put them on the internet. I think there are times where we want to share what's going on in the day to day world immediately to whoever will see it but there is also value in connecting with the people who are here or saving the story to tell someone in person later. I think that it all comes from an impulse to tell a story.
I suppose part of the social media fast is to learn how to not tell all the stories all the time in a way that isn't particularly curated. There are stories about the day that get reported to friends, there are stories that get tucked away for future conversations, there are stories that are meant to be just an inside joke between you and the universe. All of that is ok.
As I said I had a lot of impulses to check social media today and those were impulses to check not necessarily to say anything to the wide internet. I found myself wanting to disconnect from intense feelings and then staring at the login screen again. I would then take a step back and do something physical.
So perhaps this impulse is not only to share a story but an impulse to do something that expends and expresses energy. Perhaps the impulse is to just scroll and be distracted and not necessarily absorb anything fully but to just sort of be numb and moving my fingers. Silly iPad video games do that pretty well without the added cloud of interpersonal politics.
Anyway, it's difficult but it's fascinating and I am glad I'm giving myself a chance to process and really spend time with this detachment. Onward.
The first impulse to post happened as I was waiting for the bus and I saw one of the the people doing the "ashes on the go" in full priest robes walk over to the Jewel with his plate of ashes in one hand and his travel mug in the other. I wanted to post about it so badly, instead I made a note in my phone and here it is in this blog. But anyway that was the first of many impulses of the day.
I rode the bus out to my appointment and listened to a podcast while people watching, I checked into my appointment. I could feel the nerves rising. In the blood draw room they had all these inspiration quotes on the walls for places to look while getting blood drawn. I told the nurse that was a great move as you can pick a quote and just stare at it really hard while the needle goes in. She said that a lot of people like the quotes and take pictures of them.
This struck something interesting in me as she was saying this when I was actively trying not to take pictures of things and put them on the internet. I think there are times where we want to share what's going on in the day to day world immediately to whoever will see it but there is also value in connecting with the people who are here or saving the story to tell someone in person later. I think that it all comes from an impulse to tell a story.
I suppose part of the social media fast is to learn how to not tell all the stories all the time in a way that isn't particularly curated. There are stories about the day that get reported to friends, there are stories that get tucked away for future conversations, there are stories that are meant to be just an inside joke between you and the universe. All of that is ok.
As I said I had a lot of impulses to check social media today and those were impulses to check not necessarily to say anything to the wide internet. I found myself wanting to disconnect from intense feelings and then staring at the login screen again. I would then take a step back and do something physical.
So perhaps this impulse is not only to share a story but an impulse to do something that expends and expresses energy. Perhaps the impulse is to just scroll and be distracted and not necessarily absorb anything fully but to just sort of be numb and moving my fingers. Silly iPad video games do that pretty well without the added cloud of interpersonal politics.
Anyway, it's difficult but it's fascinating and I am glad I'm giving myself a chance to process and really spend time with this detachment. Onward.
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
Social Media Detox-Day 2: keeping those observations in my pocket
So it is day two. The first full day technically of no social media and I feel pretty great. I had an interview for a summer camp job this morning that went well. There was an initial moment of thinking "oh man I would totally have posted about this on facebook" but instead I went home and told my husband about it and then texted my best friend and that was the same effect.
In general I seem to have a lot of moments of "oh I want to share this with someone" whether it is a cool sidewalk mural or a funny thought I have and then I have that realization and then think. That is something to put in my back pocket for later and move on.
I have also had a few times where I have found myself staring at the login page with the little "you have x notifcations" thing and I'm not entirely sure how I got there. I am catching myself trying to check facebook mostly in moments of social awkwardness in public or when I get anxious about something. I already knew this about myself but in blocking the follow thru of the habit I can see where it comes from.
I went out tonight and saw a really fabulous improv show and caught up with some friends. I feel really great.
In general there is a certain focus to the world around me that I am noticing. I've been noticing this more the past few weeks but I feel a lot more focused when I am out and about and there is a certain clarity to the details I see. The flip side/ funny side of that is when I use the bathroom without scrolling on my phone I notice the details of the tiles a bit more but perhaps that's too much information.
Anyway, it feels almost like there is a literal shift in focus. Perhaps this shift in observation is because I have more mental bandwidth freed up. Maybe I just notice it more because I want to.
There is an underlying worry that this is a bad idea. Like I am missing out on what's going on with friends and that people aren't going to contact me and all these things but frankly if people want to talk to me they can find me. I'm taking myself out of the mix of "lazy socialization" and broadcasting into the void and focusing on direct contact and it's an opportunity for people to directly contact me. I also feel a little angry at myself for making up excuses not to catch up with people and passively check in thru facebook pages and I want to use that energy to actually make those connections.
Anyway so that's today's update. In general I am learning to keep and catalogue my observations rather than toss them out into the void and seem to be trucking along ok. But it's day two!
In general I seem to have a lot of moments of "oh I want to share this with someone" whether it is a cool sidewalk mural or a funny thought I have and then I have that realization and then think. That is something to put in my back pocket for later and move on.
I have also had a few times where I have found myself staring at the login page with the little "you have x notifcations" thing and I'm not entirely sure how I got there. I am catching myself trying to check facebook mostly in moments of social awkwardness in public or when I get anxious about something. I already knew this about myself but in blocking the follow thru of the habit I can see where it comes from.
I went out tonight and saw a really fabulous improv show and caught up with some friends. I feel really great.
In general there is a certain focus to the world around me that I am noticing. I've been noticing this more the past few weeks but I feel a lot more focused when I am out and about and there is a certain clarity to the details I see. The flip side/ funny side of that is when I use the bathroom without scrolling on my phone I notice the details of the tiles a bit more but perhaps that's too much information.
Anyway, it feels almost like there is a literal shift in focus. Perhaps this shift in observation is because I have more mental bandwidth freed up. Maybe I just notice it more because I want to.
There is an underlying worry that this is a bad idea. Like I am missing out on what's going on with friends and that people aren't going to contact me and all these things but frankly if people want to talk to me they can find me. I'm taking myself out of the mix of "lazy socialization" and broadcasting into the void and focusing on direct contact and it's an opportunity for people to directly contact me. I also feel a little angry at myself for making up excuses not to catch up with people and passively check in thru facebook pages and I want to use that energy to actually make those connections.
Anyway so that's today's update. In general I am learning to keep and catalogue my observations rather than toss them out into the void and seem to be trucking along ok. But it's day two!
Monday, March 4, 2019
Social Media Fast-Day 1: Ash Wednesday is relative
So starting today March 4th 2019 I am taking a social media detox. I've been exploring my addiction to social media a lot especially over the past few years. I recognize that it can be a compulsive habit and it has changed how I communicate and reach out to people. I also recognize that social media is a useful tool that I will need to use in my career especially as I try to grow as an independent artist. So I have decided that I want to use Lent as an opportunity to build positive habits and explore the complexities of my personal psychology and social media and take the time to examine and reflect.
I ended up starting this challenge a few days early. I had made a profile picture with a little note saying "hey I'm taking a social media fast until April 21st" and I was going to post it on my instagram first and then it uploaded to facebook as well before I could stop it and I was like "fuckit it's go time." Frankly ever since I decided on Sunday that I was going to take a detox, I've been more compulsive with my facebooking than I had been in weeks. It was almost as if my addiction knew that shit was going down and it wanted to hang on. I could see that reactiveness in myself and I decided to pull the plug earlier than anticipated. Also I'm UU and an independent adult and I want to start my Lenten journey early I'm gonna do it because this habit needs to go be in the desert.
I plan on writing and reflecting on this experience in a blog. I was originally going to do a google drive doc and then summarize my thoughts in one blog later but there is something nice about being able to do a day to day entry and save it. There is a finality and a ritual to writing a blog that you don't find from a google drive dump doc.
So while watching Brooklyn 99 and drinking beer tonight I changed the passwords to my insta, twitter, and Facebook to something random I wrote on a post it note to not touch till easter and I logged out.
In the initial cutting of the cord there were all these thoughts of "I didn't do this properly" and "oh know how will people contact me" and "I am letting people down." But also there is a deep regret and sadness because I know that the way I've been socializing on facebook seems very broad and surface.
I have been very liberal with who I have added on Facebook. In college I would add people immediately after I got home from parties (because this was before smart phones and you had to keep the name in your head and add them at home rather than doing the deed there). I would add lab partners, friend of friends, mutual friends of people I know from the theatre scene who might be messaging me for a job. I have gotten so many gigs with facebook connections and I value that tremendously. This reality also means I shame myself when I try to unplug out of fear that no one will be able to find me for work despite the fact that I have an email, my DM's are active, I have a website. It'll be fine.
I am so grateful for my network and I also tend to use it as a crutch. I want to scroll and see what everyone is doing and feel this urge to be social that is only met vague stimulation and memes. There are so many people I want to follow up with and don't and people I've kept in my feed who I have lost touch with in real life and I value that I can keep them posted on things but sometimes it feels like I have a vast audience and not individual friendships.
One advantage of the Myspace days (back in my day, hrumph) is that we had a blog built into our page and friends could check in on each other by reading a blog. I think it was easier to process then because 1. you had to go to the individual page to see that persons thoughts and 2. it encouraged us to process our thoughts beyond little bits and jokes and brief sentences of yelling. There was more compartmentalization and choice to whose thoughts you take in. There was cultivated expression which is necessary in a medium of words.
I find the Facebook feed overwhelming. There are so many individual thoughts and stories and things to process and one thing could set me off emotionally but I would ignore it because there are more things. I also know that I have used the feed to purposefully numb emotions. I would interrupt conversations with myself by taking in everyones stuff and scrolling myself into a brain fog. I've been observing this more and more in myself the past few years and although I have made steps to put limits on it, I think going cold turkey for a month and a half will help. I also think that having a record of that journey is important and will help me as I go thru each day.
So if you are reading this, welcome. It's gonna be a journey. I am excited to see where things go and see what I learn.
I ended up starting this challenge a few days early. I had made a profile picture with a little note saying "hey I'm taking a social media fast until April 21st" and I was going to post it on my instagram first and then it uploaded to facebook as well before I could stop it and I was like "fuckit it's go time." Frankly ever since I decided on Sunday that I was going to take a detox, I've been more compulsive with my facebooking than I had been in weeks. It was almost as if my addiction knew that shit was going down and it wanted to hang on. I could see that reactiveness in myself and I decided to pull the plug earlier than anticipated. Also I'm UU and an independent adult and I want to start my Lenten journey early I'm gonna do it because this habit needs to go be in the desert.
I plan on writing and reflecting on this experience in a blog. I was originally going to do a google drive doc and then summarize my thoughts in one blog later but there is something nice about being able to do a day to day entry and save it. There is a finality and a ritual to writing a blog that you don't find from a google drive dump doc.
So while watching Brooklyn 99 and drinking beer tonight I changed the passwords to my insta, twitter, and Facebook to something random I wrote on a post it note to not touch till easter and I logged out.
In the initial cutting of the cord there were all these thoughts of "I didn't do this properly" and "oh know how will people contact me" and "I am letting people down." But also there is a deep regret and sadness because I know that the way I've been socializing on facebook seems very broad and surface.
I have been very liberal with who I have added on Facebook. In college I would add people immediately after I got home from parties (because this was before smart phones and you had to keep the name in your head and add them at home rather than doing the deed there). I would add lab partners, friend of friends, mutual friends of people I know from the theatre scene who might be messaging me for a job. I have gotten so many gigs with facebook connections and I value that tremendously. This reality also means I shame myself when I try to unplug out of fear that no one will be able to find me for work despite the fact that I have an email, my DM's are active, I have a website. It'll be fine.
I am so grateful for my network and I also tend to use it as a crutch. I want to scroll and see what everyone is doing and feel this urge to be social that is only met vague stimulation and memes. There are so many people I want to follow up with and don't and people I've kept in my feed who I have lost touch with in real life and I value that I can keep them posted on things but sometimes it feels like I have a vast audience and not individual friendships.
One advantage of the Myspace days (back in my day, hrumph) is that we had a blog built into our page and friends could check in on each other by reading a blog. I think it was easier to process then because 1. you had to go to the individual page to see that persons thoughts and 2. it encouraged us to process our thoughts beyond little bits and jokes and brief sentences of yelling. There was more compartmentalization and choice to whose thoughts you take in. There was cultivated expression which is necessary in a medium of words.
I find the Facebook feed overwhelming. There are so many individual thoughts and stories and things to process and one thing could set me off emotionally but I would ignore it because there are more things. I also know that I have used the feed to purposefully numb emotions. I would interrupt conversations with myself by taking in everyones stuff and scrolling myself into a brain fog. I've been observing this more and more in myself the past few years and although I have made steps to put limits on it, I think going cold turkey for a month and a half will help. I also think that having a record of that journey is important and will help me as I go thru each day.
So if you are reading this, welcome. It's gonna be a journey. I am excited to see where things go and see what I learn.
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