happy all the feels day

So it's Mother's Day.  I went to church, sang with the WISE ensemble (new choir thing at church "Women inspired by song"). I got brunch with one friend and then went out for coffee with another friend who was stopping by on his way back to Michigan. I'm heading out soon for a historic bar crawl of Rogers Park. I'm keeping busy.

Yesterday I decided to get myself something in honor of the fact that it's Mother's Day and my mom's birthday in a few weeks. May is going to be hard as it's the first May without my mom and I so I decided I'd get myself some jewelry. I got a super sweet Tree of Life pendant that called out to me. I'm pretty happy with it.

I've been thinking a lot of how my sense of humor and sense of self has shifted in my grief. I definitely have inherited my moms sense of humor. On my bike ride to church this morning I was like "well I guess I can use my snark to mask my pain...which is the most mom thing."

She had such a sense of humor even as her body was being increasingly difficult. Before she had multiple myeloma she had breast cancer twice and pinch of skin cancer on her nose. She'd say "ever since I turned 50 my body has been trying to find ways to kill me. I don't appreciate that." When she had surgery to remove the lump from her breast I remember I went to visit her and they had given her a sharpie to mark the one that was being taken. When I got to the hospital room she said" they took my sharpie away when I tried to draw a frowny face on it."

I find myself meditating on how much I have transformed since August. I have become more honest with myself and more ready to take challenges head on. Not a lot phases me, except for the times when I get overwhelmed...mostly that means I need a snack. But I am strong as hell. That's pretty awesome.

I also am grateful for all the strong women in my life who have been maternal figures. I have always developed this solid network of badass women who I admire and I still have them to look to.

So I find myself on my first Mother's Day without my mom grateful for the things that she taught me and reflecting on the strength I have gained. Still Mother's Day without your mom sucks lots.

Anyway off for adventure and enjoying this Spring Day.