So the past few weeks I've realized more and more that I am an actor at heart. Which is hilarious because of course I am! That's what my fancy piece of paper is in (BA in Theatre Performance, Directing& Theatre Management).
What I mean by this is not that I'm going to go get an agent now and do that hustle (or maybe I will). What I mean is that my degree has informed my understanding of myself and the world. As I have grown into myself over the past few years, I have developed a greater understanding of myself and others. The growth of the actor is directly related to the growth of the individual and therefore as I've grown to know myself I've learned to understand the characters that I have played. I have also found myself better able to put myself in the shoes of another person.
The other thing I have realized is that I have been an extrovert trying to play introvert for a long time. I've talked to several people over the past week who have said "oh this is a new Gail, you always came across as shy." This observation always sets me back because that is super not how I see myself. I do know though, that I've spent a lot of time worried about others judgements and that has stifled my voice. Since losing my mom in August I've realized that honestly intense self criticism and worrying about what other people think about some small moment that probably didn't matter isn't worth the mental bandwidth. Working on letting go of those fears has really helped me find that peace in myself.
The funny thing is, the audition hustle is part of how I got to the judgey place in the first place! I spent so much time getting caught up in type casting and worrying about my image. I strongly disliked the idea that I had to fit a certain look to fit a character when I wanted to play the character because I strongly identified with her story. Like I loved the character for her personality not her looks! Also I was tired of getting cast as a child or not getting cast at all because of my height. I've since sat at the other side of the table as a music director and realized "oh there's just a lot of people and there are so many factors in this process so I don't need to take it personally."
I taught myself how to improvise on piano as a way to express all of the angst of my college years. I'd run over to the music building and play piano the way people would take smoke breaks. I trained myself to play my feelings. Then I moved to Chicago and realized I had taught myself a marketable skill.
I have been music directing for improv groups for nearly 6 years now. I have come to realize that my actor brain is what makes me a good music director. I listen and respond in the moment to the actors and then react with music. I absolutely love this level of engagement.
What it comes down to I guess is that I see the world in stories. As I piece together my stories I become increasingly fascinated by the stories of others. I look for roles that I can play. I hear the music that underscores that world. Just because I don't act as much anymore doesn't mean I'm not using my degree. I just had to learn more about my character before I could understand the other characters.
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