It was overwhelming from when I stepped into the theatre. Like the sort of discomfort you feel when you're gonna ride a roller coaster. I intended to enjoy it but knew it would be scary. I walked into the space and saw the hospital bed onstage and I could feel the discomfort inside me. It was just a hospital bed but I was shooting it death glares from across the theatre. I went with a friend and we sat at the back of the theatre. It was a small space so really it was just enough that I had my distance to sob in a corner but it was a small intimate space.
From the moment Vivian walked onstage with her IV wearing the hospital gown and baseball cap covering up her bald head, I started crying. I knew that this show was going to make me cry but I didn't think it would hit during the first beat. Once I felt comfortable with the given circumstances (a cancer patient talking about her journey) I was completely invested.
What struck me was the feeling that we were in the hospital room with her spending time with her but we as the audience were also a part of her imagination. We were guests in her hospital room and she was entertaining us in between appointments. Her character had so much joy and sass and it was one of those experiences where you befriend the character and then the ending is that much more powerful.
My mom and I didn't really talk about the deep dark existential stuff when she was in the hospital. She mostly would admit to what was wrong with her body, talk about some logistics with the will and throw in a comment along the lines of "but I have no intention of dying..." Honestly I know she didn't want to talk about it with me and even though I wish she had been more honest with me on her treatment, I get why we didn't talk about it. There was something remarkable about the writing of this show: by getting to know the character and hearing her open up about her fears, I was able to fall into an "as if" and say this is "as if" mom and I had these conversations.
The other thing that struck me is that Vivian was super similar to my mom. Her sense of humor and her wit were traits my mom possessed. I got a really good laugh/ cry during one of the moments where there was some invasive procedure and then she's alone in the hospital room and just exclaims "well wasn't that grand!"
Then of course there is the larger philosophical themes of the show: Vivian is a English professor who specializes in the works of John Donne, specifically his Holy Sonnets. The exact philosophy is a lot to unpack but how I interpret it is the line between intense study of the concept of salvation and death and the emotions involved when one has to face death head on. Vivian is a very cerebral character who has spent so much time in a cerebral space analyzing the concept of death and salvation but then as the play progresses, she becomes more connected in the reality and the emotions involved.
So after the show I went up to the actress who played Vivian and through tears told her how powerful the show was. I went up to her with my "totally have been crying" face and said "yeah my mom died in August, I knew what I was getting into seeing this show and it was a good thing." She was awesome and we talked a bit. I mentioned how I had fallen into my creativity and philosophy as I've been working thru my grief and she said something to the effect of "it's good to also be connected to the reality of death." So what I got out of this, is I tend to dive straight for the spiritual and finding the light and connection and still have some of the realities of grief to work thru.
So I guess where I am at is I'm taking things a day at a time and I'm ready to feel all the feelings and work thru all the things. Going into a theatre feeling roller coaster feelings and coming out transformed is the best feeling and exactly what I need to do now.
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