The "F Word"

My mom was known for the phrase “that was a FINE thing” in reference to something beautiful, wonderful, or delicious. She would go on a rant about something she was excited about and say “that was a FINE thing.” She would do this so often that my best friend from high school referred to “fine” as the “F Word.”

Working thru the grief of losing my mom have been a journey.  I have found myself appreciating the fine things in my life. I find myself being increasingly grateful for the little things and looking for the beauty in the world.  I have found an increased sense of optimism as I find myself more focused in the present  moment. I also have found myself less blocked creatively. I feel like I have settled more into myself and my personality and I really value that gift that working thru this crisis has given me.

I fully acknowledge that the state of the world is NOT a fine thing. There is a lot of awful, terrible, inhumane, un-american nonsense going on. Understatement of the year (although give it time. It’s only January). I find myself overwhelmed by it all. Sometimes my grief of processing how I live my life without my mom combines with the grief of what sort of fresh hell has been set upon us and I find myself overcome by it all. So this week I have started to monitor how I take in all the news.

I’ve found that it’s easier for me to consume the news by listening to NPR or by talking about it with a friend in person. That way I can yell. I thoroughly enjoy sassing back at the radio as I drive to work.  I have also started to monitor my facebook intake. I schedule Facebook time rather than find myself compulsively checking it. That has made all the difference. I have found myself more grounded in my day to day activity and focusing on maintaining the peace within so that I don’t get consumed by the desperation.

So I keep reminding myself that I’m doing fine. Sometimes that means the lukewarm state of “fine” other times it’s the peaceful calm state of “fine.” It depends on the moment. Being in a state of fine does not mean being that dog in the meme that doesn’t acknowledge the fire that is burning around me. It means taking a breath and doing what I can do put out the fire.  

Being authentically myself and bringing joy where I can is a FINE thing.

Continuing to do the job I love is a FINE thing.

Creating work with friends is a FINE thing.

Eating delicious food is a FINE thing.

Having time to read and make stuff is a FINE thing.

Standing up against injustice is a FINE thing.

There are so many FINE things that can be done.

So as things shift in the world. I will continue to nurture the inner flame of the fine.

I look for beauty

I look for the divine

For although there is darkness

The light will shine

And that’s a FINE thing.

(Yes I drew a flame in a peace sign. I am flamboyantly UU)