This blog is one of my New Years Resolutions. I have no idea how Blogger works formatting wise but I'll find out! My goal is that I write a weekly thing and post it. Said weekly post can be a rant, poem, song, whatever. The idea is that I write the things and people read them and that becomes a habit.
So originally I was going to do a whole big year in review but I realized that simplicity is key. The dumpster fire of 2016 was not kind to 60 something year old rockstars. Well my own personal 62 year old rockstar aka my mother died in August after an 11 year battle with Multiple Myeloma. Coping is a complicated roller coaster and I am thankful that I am an artist and can use the things I am talented in to process. So here is a poem:
New Beginnings
Telling this story is the reason we have poetry
I don’t want to bore you with the order
The facts swirl around
Come in random flashes
How can I explain watching for a last breathe?
Hanging onto each moment and knowing that we’re at the end?
The beauty of the love of friends?
The outpouring of support?
Waves of grief
Days full of insanity and lack of sleep
Of deep feelings unexpressed
This was the year I became an adult
Because I officially became an adult
Sitting at my mom’s kitchen table editing her obituary
That she had saved as a “fill-in-the-blank” on a convenient jump drive.
My life flashed before my eyes
As I watched hers
In the picture slide show I had to nearly
Bribe myself to prepare
But in the madness
I also found my soul
I mean it was there the whole time
But the fire burns so much brighter
Because I need the strength
I’ve always believed in something
Some sort of spirit
God, universe, mystery, whatever
The beautiful thing we can’t see
The still small voice inside
She was rational
she believed in order, patterns, people
Things that she can see
So rationally the new thing to do
Is to believe in her
She is in the unseen now
She is part of that beauty now
She is one with the great mystery
She is spirit and deep memory
Anyhow “mom, how do I deal with this thing?”
Is a totally legit prayer
So this is one of the ways that I pray
Like spiritual tech support
I was plugged backed into the system
Like I needed some rational guiding light
(Unitarian Universalists, amiright?)
Besides her voice was already the wise voice I hear
to guide me thru life
That's how mom's work.
Grief is hard
It's my hidden stress now
A mess of feelings
And my survivor mode is strong
So I sometimes lie to myself
Hide the sadness in a corner
While I plod on like some superstar
"Writing like I’m running out of time"
Yeah "I'm not throwing away my shot”
Whatever?
But then something knocks me down
And I realize
Nope. Time to “Wait for it.”
It’s “Quiet Uptown” and I’m gonna go cry now.
Hamilton references aside
I wake up every morning and I write and
I am thankful for the beautiful day
I look out the window and
Send love to the people standing at the bus station
Across the street
I do my best to live in the moment
I do my best to remain positive
Despite all the negativity in the world
Despite all the scary things I remain positive
My light shines
Creativity flows out
I am ready for new beginnings
To look at 2017 with new eyes
That shine bright with the wisdom,
The pain and the knowledge of the past year
I put one foot in front of the other
Live day by day
And hope this New Year
Will have gentler lessons to teach.
I don’t want to bore you with the order
The facts swirl around
Come in random flashes
How can I explain watching for a last breathe?
Hanging onto each moment and knowing that we’re at the end?
The beauty of the love of friends?
The outpouring of support?
Waves of grief
Days full of insanity and lack of sleep
Of deep feelings unexpressed
This was the year I became an adult
Because I officially became an adult
Sitting at my mom’s kitchen table editing her obituary
That she had saved as a “fill-in-the-blank” on a convenient jump drive.
My life flashed before my eyes
As I watched hers
In the picture slide show I had to nearly
Bribe myself to prepare
But in the madness
I also found my soul
I mean it was there the whole time
But the fire burns so much brighter
Because I need the strength
I’ve always believed in something
Some sort of spirit
God, universe, mystery, whatever
The beautiful thing we can’t see
The still small voice inside
She was rational
she believed in order, patterns, people
Things that she can see
So rationally the new thing to do
Is to believe in her
She is in the unseen now
She is part of that beauty now
She is one with the great mystery
She is spirit and deep memory
Anyhow “mom, how do I deal with this thing?”
Is a totally legit prayer
So this is one of the ways that I pray
Like spiritual tech support
I was plugged backed into the system
Like I needed some rational guiding light
(Unitarian Universalists, amiright?)
Besides her voice was already the wise voice I hear
to guide me thru life
That's how mom's work.
Grief is hard
It's my hidden stress now
A mess of feelings
And my survivor mode is strong
So I sometimes lie to myself
Hide the sadness in a corner
While I plod on like some superstar
"Writing like I’m running out of time"
Yeah "I'm not throwing away my shot”
Whatever?
But then something knocks me down
And I realize
Nope. Time to “Wait for it.”
It’s “Quiet Uptown” and I’m gonna go cry now.
Hamilton references aside
I wake up every morning and I write and
I am thankful for the beautiful day
I look out the window and
Send love to the people standing at the bus station
Across the street
I do my best to live in the moment
I do my best to remain positive
Despite all the negativity in the world
Despite all the scary things I remain positive
My light shines
Creativity flows out
I am ready for new beginnings
To look at 2017 with new eyes
That shine bright with the wisdom,
The pain and the knowledge of the past year
I put one foot in front of the other
Live day by day
And hope this New Year
Will have gentler lessons to teach.
(photoshop credit: Chris Terry)
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