Redistribution

It’s funny how one person can fill so many roles. When they pass, the roles they play are passed onto other people.

Cheerleader, support person, anchor, best friend, voice of wisdom, person I sought to impress. Mom. As I’ve been powering thru this year I’ve been reflecting on how those roles have been redistributed.

She was my cheerleader, the person to affirm that I was doing great. Now I work with a life coach. It’s funny how sometimes growing up means finding another adult who you can pay to listen to you and help.

She was my anchor. I have handed this role over to my boyfriend. We are learning how this works.

She was my best friend. I have had many good friends/ best friends throughout my life who I have considered to be family. No one will replace her.

She was a voice of wisdom in my life, now her voice comes out when I speak sometimes. I say a lot of really wise sassy things and they sound so much like her it’s scary. It’s part channeling, part how I’m programmed.

She was the person I ultimately sought to impress. Now I have this freedom where I am allowed to just do things because I want to do them. Because I am called to do them. I am my greatest ally, my guide. She is one with spirit/ mystery/ woo woo/ whatever/ memory. I find solid ground in this developing sense of the spirit.

She was my mom. I have a lot of maternal figures in my life. I still have my Grandma. I have a handful of awesome older female mentors. I have my dad.  But she was my mom.

My mom was these things and more to me. When she passed the pieces of who she was were laid out in front of me, strewn about my mind. Now I trace how I can track the way her roles have been redistributed. I find new patterns, new ways to relate, new ways to live my life.

It’s hard. It will continue to be hard. But it helps to have a map. It helps to know that I have a vast network of people who can somehow fill in her shoes. Lord knows she often took jobs that would normally take 10 people to do. I probably got that from her too.