April Showers Bring May Angst

So it's almost May and I'm entering the lightening round of the grief time: Mother's day on the 14th, Mom's birthday on May 23rd, and also the general anniversary of her chemo and stem cell transplant. From there on I suspect the next few months are going to be rough culminating in the anniversary of her death on August 4th.

I am keeping things mostly sunshine and rainbows in my life and have been pouring myself into all the opportunities I have. I am writing music for an original musical that goes up in June, I have some cool teaching opportunities and other things on the horizon. I am also in the process of changing my day job life so I am able to look for more opportunities to teach, write, compose, and generally run around being my sunshine and rainbows self and getting paid to do so. That all being said I am also preparing myself to have a bit more flexibility to grieve.

In the past, this time of year was all about transition and new beginnings. I'd get into the vibe of spring. I'd hit the ground running on summer projects. When I look at my resume I find that many times i have changed jobs during the summer months. Summer is my favorite time of year and I've always looked to it as a time for growth and self exploration. It's always been a time of major changes and choices and adventure. Mom's passing has certainly been that.

Grief sucks. I at least got to "pre-game" when I lost my Grandma and Grandpa but this is a whole other animal. Losing my mom was like going thru a breakup with my childhood. I feel like everyday I accept that this is the reality of the situation. I've been living in this new world without mom since August. I've accepted its a reality but sometimes something comes out and knocks me down.

One piece of advice I got from a mentor is "we are ourselves at all stages of our lives when we lose a parent." So somedays I'm a grownass adult, other days I'm a teenager, other days I'm going to throw tantrums. Like the toddlers I see at work these tantrums are triggered by random things like getting your feet wet in a puddle, not being able to open doors, or having to fix your computer. I foresee significantly more grownup tantrums on the horizon. I suppose the key thing is to just allow the tantrums to come. I am learning to let feelings be and not judge myself for having them. It's awesome.

I am thankful that I am an artist and a writer and have let my creative side take flight in this mess. I plan on taking these "tantrums" and general angst and putting it into my music and my writing. I'm going to allow myself to be a little angsty.

If Inside Out taught me anything it's that Joy and Sadness need to work together. I am a Joyful person but I'm going to allow sadness to hang out too. It's all about taking deep breaths and enjoying the May flowers.