So I went to C2E2 this weekend and it was awesome. I did some shopping while there and bought a time turner necklace. I thought it’d be a cool thing to have and also I like necklaces that I can fidget with. I got a cute one for $10 and wore it the rest of the con.
I found myself playing with the time turner while in line for things at the con or while making my way thru crowds. I thought this was a pretty funny anxious habit. I often find myself trying to fast forward thru annoying situations. Perhaps playing with a time turner gives me a gesture where I can convince myself that I'm speeding up time, despite the fact that it’s not working (as far as I know). That little action actually helps me stay calm in the moment. (Of course the boyfriend pointed out that the time turner was just for going back in time but I pointed out that we never saw it go forward so how do you know). Anyway, it works for me.
Grief has definitely makes me want to speed up. I find myself struggling with is what I call my “Hamilton complex.” This need to do all the things and write all the things and be non-stop. If you know me this is my MO anyway but grief has made me more anxious. It’s that human condition thing of getting a lot of adrenaline in you system and realizing your own mortality and well...wanting to write like you’re running out of time.
I’ve been working my way thru a lot of self help books and what’s hilarious is sometimes the “be your best badass” language doesn’t work for me. Like I mix residual Catholic guilt with new age spirituality ( #UUproblems) and then I feel like I’m not doing enough even though I’m doing all the awesome things. It’s like my problem isn’t that I haven’t realized my awesome super powers, it’s that I have trouble managing all the awesome that I want to do. Which is a pretty awesome thing.
I think the core of that “Hamilton complex” fire is managing the life I want to live versus the life I feel obligated to live. That can get murky. I remember when my grandpa died I was in a job I was super burned out on and had trouble admitting it to myself. One day something super intense happened at work (I worked with adults with developmental disabilities and mental illness) and something inside me said. “No. I’m so done.” But it also said “if grandpa could see this he’d be like ‘get out of there’” So that knocked me off my feet with emotion as grief bits do. I talked to my mom about it later that night and she said very bluntly “well your grandpa can’t see you.” That was a necessary but in the moment hurtful thought. Mom and I would often have these conversations that would dissipate because we had different views on spirituality (#UUproblems) so when she negated my thought I sort of didn’t pick it apart further and was resentful. What I think now and what I learned from it shortly after that conversation is that I had conflated this feeling of obligation to what my intuition was telling me.
So unpacking that further- I really get into the whole “feeling the presence of a loved one who has died” thing. But what is more useful is to realize that that feeling is when what’s going on with my intuition resonates with a memory of them. I have no obligation to live my life the way I think my mom who may or may not be watching me would want me to. The feeling inside is my own intuition that was shaped by her but is my wisdom. However that works I know she was proud of me. What’s most important is that I’m happy with myself. Which I am most of the time because I’m awesome.
So that’s the ponderings of the week. I’m trying to stay happy and grateful and live in the moment. I will still try to fast forward time while standing in line though. Especially if I'm hungry.
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