The Ritual of the 5 Hour Road Trip

(not pictured: they were selling Girl Scout Cookies at the Oasis. Clever)

So today I got to engage in my favorite ritual- The 5 hour road trip (specifically from Chicago to Waterloo). For the majority of my adult life I have always lived a five hour drive from home. I’m from Waterloo, Iowa and I went to college in Lincoln, Nebraska. I now live in Chicago. I grew up going on epic 2 week long summer road trips with my dad or shorter road trips to Chicago with my mom. I’ve always enjoyed getting in the zone of going down the open road, singing along to my favorite songs, and experiencing random moments of inspiration. For some reason, the section of I-80 between Des Moines in Omaha was the source of many weird sacred/ creative inspirational moments. Maybe it’s just because it was a place for my mind to relax or maybe it was simply because there isn’t much else in that stretch of Iowa.

I had my rituals with the Nebraska to Iowa road trip- stop at the same burger king/ gas station just outside of Des Moines. Always switch to the Reefer Madness soundtrack as soon as I get to highway 20.

The drive between Chicago and Iowa has a whole other meaning. I use the same familiar route that my family would take on trips the Chicago. The same route we would take on drama club field trips to Chicago. I grew up going on all these trips knowing that I would move there. I remember being in awe of the hilly bits thru western Illinois and being excited to get to the Oasis by Rockford because that was a sign that we were almost there.

The first time I drove into Chicago by myself was to head into town to look at apartments. I drove from Lincoln to Waterloo then from Waterloo to Chicago. This was my first time driving from Waterloo to Chicago by myself. I was excited to make the journey by myself for the first time. I remember getting in the groove of listening to Les Mis (complete symphonic recording, thank you) while driving thru the hilly bits and the increasing tension as I had to drive in the city for the first time. I remember everything went fairly smoothly and I was feeling pretty confident until I reached the merge of I90/94 out of nowhere my little  UU former catholic self did the sign of the cross for the first time in ages.  Fast forward to now, where I have driven into Chicago so many times that I am able to handle the tension of city traffic pretty well. There is still much swearing and prayer and tension in the shoulders but I am used to it.

So much has changed over the past six going on seven years of living in Chicago. I’ve made the journey home so many times over the past few years. Many of those trips have been due to family crisis.  In these moments where I have had to drop everything and get on on the road to visit someone in the hospital, I have found comfort in preparing a playlist. I got excited for the journey.  

I think this is because my time alone in the car is a time for me to just be with my thoughts and with my music and do whatever I need to do mentally while driving. It’s a “5 hour me- party.” Sometimes inspiration hits, other times I just rock out to showtunes. My life has completely turned upside down in losing my mom. I’ve made so many trips home over the past six months. I drove out several times in rented cars on last minute trips to visit mom in the hospital. Now I drive her car to go visit for weeks at a time and sort thru her stuff. But thru all this madness, the ritual stays the same.

Anyway, my new ritual when visiting home includes staying with a family friend who has a doberman. I'm thankful for old rituals but also happy to create new ones that involve a dog sleeping on my foot. as I blog.

The theatre phase of grief...

So I saw the Hypocrite's production of Wit yesterday.  It was exactly what I needed to see.  I think I have hit the stage of grief where I'm ready to just cry things out and so seeing this show was like sitting down with grief and saying "alright buddy we have a diverse cast of equity actors, let's process some shit."

It was overwhelming from when I stepped into the theatre. Like the sort of discomfort you feel when you're gonna ride a roller coaster. I intended to enjoy it but knew it would be scary.  I walked into the space and saw the hospital bed onstage and I could feel the discomfort inside me. It was just a hospital bed but I was shooting it death glares from across the theatre.  I went with a friend and we sat at the back of the theatre. It was a small space so really it was just enough that I had my distance to sob in a corner but it was a small intimate space.

From the moment Vivian walked onstage with her IV wearing the hospital gown and baseball cap covering up her bald head, I started crying. I knew that this show was going to make me cry but I didn't think it would hit during the first beat. Once I felt comfortable with the given circumstances (a cancer patient talking about her journey) I was completely invested.

What struck me was the feeling that we were in the hospital room with her spending time with her but we as the audience were also a part of her imagination.  We were guests in her hospital room and she was entertaining us in between appointments. Her character had so much joy and sass and it was one of those experiences where you befriend the character and then the ending is that much more powerful.

My mom and I didn't really talk about the deep dark existential stuff when she was in the hospital. She mostly would admit to what was wrong with her body, talk about some logistics with the will and throw in a comment along the lines of "but I have no intention of dying..." Honestly I know she didn't want to talk about it with me and even though I wish she had been more honest with me on her treatment, I get why we didn't talk about it. There was something remarkable about the writing of this show: by getting to know the character and hearing her open up about her fears, I was able to fall into an "as if" and say this is "as if" mom and I had these conversations.

The other thing that struck me is that Vivian was super similar to my mom. Her sense of humor and her wit were traits my mom possessed. I got a really good laugh/ cry during one of the moments where there was some invasive procedure and then she's alone in the hospital room and just exclaims "well wasn't that grand!"

Then of course there is the larger philosophical themes of the show: Vivian is a English professor who specializes in the works of John Donne, specifically his Holy Sonnets. The exact philosophy is a lot to unpack but how I interpret it is the line between intense study of the concept of salvation and death and the emotions involved when one has to face death head on. Vivian is a very cerebral character who has spent so much time in a cerebral space analyzing the concept of death and salvation but then as the play progresses, she becomes more connected in the reality and the emotions involved.

So after the show I went up to the actress who played Vivian and through tears told her how powerful the show was. I went up to her with my "totally have been crying" face and said "yeah my mom died in August, I knew what I was getting into seeing this show and it was a good thing." She was awesome and we talked a bit. I mentioned how I had fallen into my creativity and philosophy as I've been working thru my grief and she said something to the effect of "it's good to also be connected to the reality of death." So what I got out of this, is I tend to dive straight for the spiritual and finding the light and connection and still have some of the realities of grief to work thru.


So I guess where I am at is I'm taking things a day at a time and I'm ready to feel all the feelings and work thru all the things. Going into a theatre feeling roller coaster feelings and coming out transformed is the best feeling and exactly what I need to do now.

Flying and Floating

So this week I on a whim found myself on dailyOM.com looking at courses. I ended up signing up for the 21 day online course. You are a Badass at Habits. Basically everyday there is a short video lecture and a worksheet and it helps you work on building new habits. I decided to sign up for this course because I have been working on toning down my Facebook addiction. I wanted to basically get to a point where I make a conscious choice to check Facebook for a maximum of 30 minutes a day. That way I am making sure I spend time with the people in my phone rather than typing "f" into my browser  and getting stuck on Facebook for 20 minutes before I know what's happened. 

The first lesson of this course talks about picking apart what causes our habits. "Our Beliefs form our actions form our habits." Jen Sincero points out that the best way to work thru a habit is to pick apart the beliefs that form that habit. What I realized is that first of all, the compulsive Facebooking is procrastination at it's best and it always kicks in when I am avoiding something that I believe will be difficult. It's my flight response. I'll get to a difficult item on my to-do list and my hand goes for my phone and I'll catch myself.  I can be intensely self critical so when I have to complete a task that will cause that side of me to flair up I avoid it.  I am a very driven person but when it comes to fight or flight. I chose to fly away into some distraction.  So as I work thru forming new habits I find myself recognizing when I am being avoidant and asking myself why then just finding small steps to do the task at hand. 

So, poem time! 

Learning to Float

I prefer flight to fight

When the present is tough I fly towards fantasy

fast forward to 

some future I want to see

I make steps but sometimes I fall

and fly away before asking why

I am learning to float

to soar on the moment

to be 

focused and wise

I realize that it's a process 

and with focus

i can sculpt 

find the beauty inside this lump of clay in front of me

I fantasize about the final product

and forget to let things take shape

i escape into my mind 

contemplate the divine

as a form of procrastination

songs come into formation

Sometimes I fight

Let my anger into the drivers seat

words flow out of me

with some new venom

not taking time to breathe

voicing all the things I believe

determined to win

to mask the uncomfortable within

With righteous argument

Taking sides in the right and wrong

But I am called back to the moment

I am called to float

I am called to what is here

present with my fear

I sit down and contemplate

the source of this anxiety

This shadow inside

Shine some light

aware of what makes me take flight

Day by day I learn to float

focus on the breathe

see what is in front of me

make small changes

i am arranging the present

no need to fast forward with flight

I float on today

on the light

About that fancy piece of paper...

So the past few weeks I've realized more and more that I am an actor at heart. Which is hilarious because of course I am! That's what my fancy piece of paper is in (BA in Theatre Performance, Directing& Theatre Management).

What I mean by this is not that I'm going to go get an agent now and do that hustle (or maybe I will). What I mean is that my degree has informed my understanding of myself and the world. As I have grown into myself over the past few years, I have developed a greater understanding of myself and others. The growth of the actor is directly related to the growth of the individual and therefore as I've grown to know myself I've learned to understand the characters that I have played. I  have also found myself better able to put myself in the shoes of another person.

The other thing I have realized is that I have been an extrovert trying to play introvert for a long time. I've talked to several people over the past week who have said "oh this is a new Gail, you always came across as shy." This observation always sets me back because that is super not how I see myself. I do know though, that I've spent a lot of time worried about others judgements and that has stifled my voice. Since losing my mom in August I've realized that honestly intense self criticism and worrying about what other people think about some small moment that probably didn't matter isn't worth the mental bandwidth. Working on letting go of those fears has really helped me find that peace in myself.

The funny thing is, the audition hustle is part of how I got to the judgey  place in the first place! I spent so much time getting caught up in type casting and worrying about my image. I strongly disliked the idea that I had to fit a certain look to fit a character when I wanted to play the character because I strongly identified with her story. Like I loved the character for her personality not her looks! Also I was tired of getting cast as a child or not getting cast at all because of my height. I've since sat at the other side of the table as a music director and realized "oh there's just a lot of people and there are so many factors in this process so I don't need to take it personally." 

I taught myself how to improvise on piano as a way to express all of the angst of my college years. I'd run over to the music building and play piano the way people would take smoke breaks. I trained myself to play my feelings. Then I moved to Chicago and realized I had taught myself a marketable skill.

I have been music directing for improv groups for nearly 6 years now. I have come to realize that my actor brain is what makes me a good music director. I listen and respond in the moment to the actors and then react with music. I absolutely love this level of engagement. 

What it comes down to I guess is that I see the world in stories. As I piece together my stories I become increasingly fascinated by the stories of others. I look for roles that I can play. I hear the music that underscores that world.  Just because I don't act as much anymore doesn't mean I'm not using my degree. I just had to learn more about my character before I could understand the other characters.