April Showers Bring May Angst

So it's almost May and I'm entering the lightening round of the grief time: Mother's day on the 14th, Mom's birthday on May 23rd, and also the general anniversary of her chemo and stem cell transplant. From there on I suspect the next few months are going to be rough culminating in the anniversary of her death on August 4th.

I am keeping things mostly sunshine and rainbows in my life and have been pouring myself into all the opportunities I have. I am writing music for an original musical that goes up in June, I have some cool teaching opportunities and other things on the horizon. I am also in the process of changing my day job life so I am able to look for more opportunities to teach, write, compose, and generally run around being my sunshine and rainbows self and getting paid to do so. That all being said I am also preparing myself to have a bit more flexibility to grieve.

In the past, this time of year was all about transition and new beginnings. I'd get into the vibe of spring. I'd hit the ground running on summer projects. When I look at my resume I find that many times i have changed jobs during the summer months. Summer is my favorite time of year and I've always looked to it as a time for growth and self exploration. It's always been a time of major changes and choices and adventure. Mom's passing has certainly been that.

Grief sucks. I at least got to "pre-game" when I lost my Grandma and Grandpa but this is a whole other animal. Losing my mom was like going thru a breakup with my childhood. I feel like everyday I accept that this is the reality of the situation. I've been living in this new world without mom since August. I've accepted its a reality but sometimes something comes out and knocks me down.

One piece of advice I got from a mentor is "we are ourselves at all stages of our lives when we lose a parent." So somedays I'm a grownass adult, other days I'm a teenager, other days I'm going to throw tantrums. Like the toddlers I see at work these tantrums are triggered by random things like getting your feet wet in a puddle, not being able to open doors, or having to fix your computer. I foresee significantly more grownup tantrums on the horizon. I suppose the key thing is to just allow the tantrums to come. I am learning to let feelings be and not judge myself for having them. It's awesome.

I am thankful that I am an artist and a writer and have let my creative side take flight in this mess. I plan on taking these "tantrums" and general angst and putting it into my music and my writing. I'm going to allow myself to be a little angsty.

If Inside Out taught me anything it's that Joy and Sadness need to work together. I am a Joyful person but I'm going to allow sadness to hang out too. It's all about taking deep breaths and enjoying the May flowers.

On Grief, Time Travel, and Being Awesome

So I went to C2E2 this weekend and it was awesome. I did some shopping while there and bought a time turner necklace. I thought it’d be a cool thing to have and also I like necklaces that I can fidget with. I got a cute one for $10 and wore it the rest of the con.

I found myself playing with the time turner while in line for things at the con or while making my way thru crowds. I thought this was a pretty funny anxious habit. I often find myself trying to fast forward thru annoying situations. Perhaps playing with a time turner gives me a gesture where I can convince myself that I'm speeding up time, despite the fact that it’s not working (as far as I know). That little action actually helps me stay calm in the moment. (Of course the boyfriend pointed out that the time turner was just for going back in time but I pointed out that we never saw it go forward so how do you know). Anyway, it works for me.

Grief has definitely makes me want to speed up. I find myself struggling with is what I call my “Hamilton complex.” This need to do all the things and write all the things and be non-stop. If you know me this is my MO anyway but grief has made me more anxious. It’s that human condition thing of getting a lot of adrenaline in you system and realizing your own mortality and well...wanting to write like you’re running out of time.

I’ve been working my way thru a lot of self help books and what’s hilarious is sometimes the “be your best badass” language doesn’t work for me. Like I mix residual Catholic guilt with new age spirituality ( #UUproblems) and then I feel like I’m not doing enough even though I’m doing all the awesome things. It’s like my problem isn’t that I haven’t realized my awesome super powers, it’s that I have trouble managing all the awesome that I want to do. Which is a pretty awesome thing.

I think the core of that “Hamilton complex” fire is managing the life I want to live versus the life I feel obligated to live. That can get murky. I remember when my grandpa died I was in a job I was super burned out on and had trouble admitting it to myself. One day something super intense happened at work (I worked with adults with developmental disabilities and mental illness) and something inside me said. “No. I’m so done.” But it also said “if grandpa could see this he’d be like ‘get out of there’” So that knocked me off my feet with emotion as grief bits do. I talked to my mom about it later that night and she said very bluntly “well your grandpa can’t see you.” That was a necessary but in the moment hurtful thought. Mom and I would often have these conversations that would dissipate because we had different views on spirituality (#UUproblems)  so when she negated my thought I sort of didn’t pick it apart further and was resentful.  What I think now and what I learned from it shortly after that conversation is that I had conflated this feeling of obligation to what my intuition was telling me.

So unpacking that further- I really get into the whole “feeling the presence of a loved one who has died” thing. But what is more useful is to realize that that feeling is when what’s going on with my intuition resonates with a memory of them. I have no obligation to live my life the way I think my mom who may or may not be watching me would want me to. The feeling inside is my own intuition that was shaped by her but is my wisdom. However that works I know she was proud of me. What’s most important is that I’m happy with myself. Which I am most of the time  because I’m awesome.

So that’s the ponderings of the week. I’m trying to stay happy and grateful and live in the moment. I will still try to fast forward time while standing in line though. Especially if I'm hungry.

Ya know, Easter Stuff

So this week was a really awesome week. I had my last performance with one of my music improv teams (at least last performance at MINt) and I had a production meeting for a new musical I'm writing with friends. For Lent I upped my contemplation game and was working thru a course on Buddhism as well as a Jesuit lent reading book. (Because that's my UU way of doing these things). I feel like a lot of stuff clicked for me on Friday and I'm just feeling a lot more confident and relaxed as I work thru stuff. I don't feel as rushed as I have been the past few months. It's just this really awesome lightness and I love that it hit this past week. I know that things are still messy and crazy but I'm feeling really grounded- at least this week and it's Easter so I'm loving the timing.

So here's a poem.

Ya know, Easter stuff

New day new chapter

It’s the time to rise again

Like New Years 2.0

Spring comes and the energy shifts

new beginnings

The stone is lifting

And i see the world of endless possibilities

I’m comfortable in the discomfort

Confident in my ability to work thru problems

With patience and compassion

To take a breath and act rationally

To recognize and rise above the negative thoughts

To operate from a place of love

I sit calmly in the not knowing

In touch with my inner wisdom

Riding each breath

Each moment

Enjoying what I can

I know that more challenges will come

There may be darkness

Nonsense

Untold stress that makes no sense

But I don't want to get trapped in worry

Or hurry toward the future

I’ve got this

Energized. Ready. Re-charged. Rejuvenated

Ya know, Easter stuff

PS: NEW JOURNAL!

Trusting the silence

This week I've been focusing on working more meditation into my daily rituals. I've been working in a 10 minute meditation in the morning and the evening. This has been especially helpful as this week I was juggling work, performances in both my after school drama classes, and tech for a show I'm sound designing. It was stressful but I got thru it by just throwing myself into what needed to get done and focusing on my breath.

I did have a bit of a meltdown on Thursday night. We had just finished the last dress rehearsal of the show. I went to check my phone on the break and I saw the news about the missiles launched at Syria. I was hit by a wave of feelings and I put the phone down and let myself get thru the rest of the rehearsal. Then on the bus ride home I was mindlessly scrolling thru Facebook. I'd check it, put the phone down and then pick it back up again and check it some more. It felt like I was trying to drown out a big feeling that I needed to process so I put the phone down and just sort of went silent for a bit while my friends talked on the train ride home. Then I hit the pressure point- over and over again I realize that my grief about the world and my grief about my mom are one big grief monster.  Once again I am overwhelmed by the reality of the world and the reality of not having mom around to vent to about the reality of the world. So when news hits me in just the right place, it triggers a good cry. So I ended up crying on the Red Line and my friends from the show were there to talk me thru it and then I went home and felt pretty good. Just needed to release that.

The thing is if I hadn't put my phone down to really listen deeply to myself I probably would have continued going about my evening feeling "some type of way" and not being able to place what that funk was. This led me to think about treating inner dialogue like you would treat conversation with a friend. I often find myself hitting something upsetting and then trying to ignore that feeling with a compulsive facebook check or other distraction. When I allow myself to have the feeling and ask myself what it's about. I find that space inside for it and it becomes less of a big thing. It's basically inviting your monsters to tea (paraphrasing another great Tara Brach lecture).

This week in the Daily OM course I've been taking (Communicating Like A Buddhist) the focus is on observing how you use silence. The idea of the exercise is to observe how you use silence in conversations. I spent a lot of time alone either on transit or in the office this week. So I've been observing how I use the silence in conversations with myself. So I'm learning to be more comfortable with my thoughts, especially the grumpy anxious ones, and not interrupt these internal conversations with too many distractions. I'm hoping viewing internal dialogue as a relaxed conversation will help me be more mindful of when I'm a going toward a distraction and I can use my time more wisely and all that good stuff.

Why "Buddhist fart story" is in my google search history...

So it's been another busy week of work and projects and settling into the new place. I've been reading and listening to my usual amount of multi-flavored spiritual self help things. My favorite thing I’ve heard all week is the following story. I originally heard it from Tara Brach’s lecture entitled "Taking the Exquisite Risk.” I wanted to quote it so badly that I just googled “buddhist fart story” in order to get the full transcript.

Su Shi (1036-1101), also known as Su Dongpo was an avid student of Buddhist teachings. He was quick-witted and humorous; as a Zen Buddhism follower he was very serious and self-disciplined. He often discussed buddhism with his good friend, Zen Master Foyin. The two lived across the river from one another.
Following is an interesting and famous story about him and Zen Master Foyin.
One day, Su Dongpo felt inspired and wrote the following poem:
I bow my head to the heaven within heaven

Hairline rays illuminating the universe

The eight winds cannot move me

Sitting still upon the purple golden lotus

The “eight winds” in the poem referred to praise, ridicule, honor, disgrace, gain, loss, pleasure and misery – interpersonal forces of the material world that drive and influence the hearts of men. Su Dongpo was saying that he has attained a higher level of spirituality, where these forces no longer affect him.
Impressed by himself, Su Dongpo sent a servant to hand-carry this poem to Foyin. He was sure that his friend would be equally impressed. When Foyin read the poem, he immediately saw that it was both a tribute to the Buddha and a declaration of spiritual refinement. Smiling, the Zen Master wrote “fart” on the manuscript and had it returned to Su Dongpo.
Su Dongpo was expecting compliments and a seal of approval. When he saw “fart” written on the manuscript, he was shocked . He burst into anger: “How dare he insult me like this? Why that lousy old monk! He’s got a lot of explaining to do!”Full of indignation, he rushed out of his house and ordered a boat to ferry him to the other shore as quickly as possible. He wanted to find Foyin and demand an apology. However, Foyin’s door closed. On the door was a piece of paper, for Su Dongpo. The paper had following two lines:
The eight winds cannot move me

One fart blows me across the river

This stopped Su Dongpo cold. Foyin had anticipated this hot-headed visit. Su Dongpo’s anger suddenly drained away as he understood his friend’s meaning. If he really was a man of spiritual refinement,
completely unaffected by the eight winds, then how could he be so easily provoked?
With a few strokes of the pen and minimal effort, Foyin showed that Su Dongpo was in fact not as spiritually advanced as he claimed to be. Ashamed but wiser, Su Dongpo departed quietly.
This event proved to be a turning point in Su Dongpo’s spiritual development. From that point on, he became a man of humility, and not merely someone who boasted of possessing the virtue.
http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/08/08/how-fart-can-make-you-grow-spiritually-su-dongpos-story/

Ever since I heard this story, I've been silently giggling to myself as I observe these "spiritual farts" in life. There’s a whole lot of farts to get caught up in what with work and settling into a new apartment, projects, friends, all the things. The thing I’m realizing too is just like in the story. It’s super easy to go from a place of somewhat righteously having your shit together and feeling like you’re on top and then something can set you off into some weird negativity spiral. A spiritual practice is a practice and I’m a perfectionist and so I pile on the guilt when I’m not being perfect. It’s a lot to unpack. A mantra of “it’s just a fart” helps me get back to myself. Frankly I looove calling these moments farts. I love it so much. Because really the key to learning to work thru mistakes is to laugh it off and figure out what you can do in the future. It’s just reactivity. A natural human reaction. It’s a fart.

I wake up each day with the intention to do all the awesome things and stay present and in the moment. It’s not easy and something will trigger me to my angry grumpy mode undoubtedly. Especially if I’m hungry. But more and more I’m training myself to observe these moments, kindly pause and bring myself to focus, and laugh….because i just farted.