I consider myself to be a very" Virgo-y" Virgo. I keep my
complicated freelance schedule organized with relative ease. I read
productivity articles as a form of procrastination. Ads for planners end up in
my Instagram feed. My partner gives me a loving but slightly judgmental smile
when new journals show up in the mail.
When I was briefly the road manager for a touring children’s
theatre production I learned that I’m the sort of person where “if everything is
going to hell in a handbasket, there will be a documented spreadsheet of all
the receipts of that journey.” I’ve had a couple jobs end in burnout because my
productive nature lead to my job becoming something that really should be the
job of two people. I wear all the hats.
I was a straight A student (save for that one B+ in AP Calculus). I was driven by good grades and performance. I was a bucket of anxiety although I didn’t have the words for that at the time. I remember having a panicked moment in middle school because of the one time I didn’t do the daily grammar worksheet in my English class, I scrambled to get it done before the bell rang.
My core group of friends thru middle school and high school
were for the most part the other girls who were at the top of the class. We had
our nerd tribe and it was excellent.
I know that the "good student game" was totally based in
having parents who were also overachievers. Both my parents were at the top of
their class so of course that was the expectation. My drive for order was based
in this need to please and this fear that something would go wrong. It was also based in a general love of learning which I think sometimes competed with this need to please.
Thru college and into my adulthood I have learned that not
everything happens the way you expect it. Sometimes you are juggling a lot of
things and your grades go down. Sometimes friends and family members pass away.
Injuries happen, bikes get stolen, friends move, trains go express even at Belmont.
Sometimes you’re running late. Sometimes you need to take time to take care of
yourself.
Overtime my love of bringing order to things is less of a
need based in fear and more of a way of sculpture. I enjoy bringing order to
chaos. I enjoy finding specificity. I enjoy the art of prioritizing. I am
juggling a lot of things but they are all things that I love to do and for the
most part my reason for doing them is driven by expectations I hold to myself
and obligations I have to others. There is more space in this place of joy and
ease and it almost feels like time is expands in this state of mind.
Of course the peaceful state of mind isn't always a thing. I often have moments of
overwhelm where I get caught in my fear and anxiety place. Time seems to
contract in those moments as I feel like I need to rush to solve all the
problems now! I'm learning how to balance and find that middle ground.
I’m a virgo. I like lists. I like to feel in control. But
life isn’t about the lists. The list is there as a map but the fun part is to
put that journal back in your purse and just walk down the path.
